Rules and Pointers for moving to or living in the South.

[WCURoverD90]

You live in the South...now here are some pointers/rules

If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know these rules:

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week "at the gym".

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it--or get out of the way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it. He was delicious.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- "bait".

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. (You might want to lose a couple of ounces of the flashy jewelry, too.)

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. (You might want to make sure it's not up to your ear at the time.)

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well.

15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. After being slow-cooked all night over coals, they are amazingly delicious when served with hot sauce, slaw, and cold beer. Don't like it? ...........Interstate 95 goes two ways (North and South) - Interstate 10 goes the other two ways. Pick the one that removes your ass from here the fastest.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat - go to Kansas ASAP. (That would be I-10 West).

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or turkey season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, maple syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves at you? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called "diamondbacks", ...........and they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer or Sheriff's Deputy that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23 We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions!!!! The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- (all four of them) -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner..........assuming he/she survives.

25. No, we don't care how you do things in Cleveland, Chicago, New York -- or anywhere else!! If it is so great where you came from, why not visit another state ------or STAY UP THERE!?

26. And no, here in "Dixie" we don't have an accent, -------you do.

[75series3]