Texas Chili Cook off!!

[Funrover]

>THE TALE OF THE SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFF
>
>
>
>If you can read this whole story without laughing then
>there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
>Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
>
>If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
>reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
>of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
>is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time
>Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of
>a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3
>was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was
>visiting from Springfield, IL.
>
>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
>judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
>in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
>standing there at the judge's table asking for
>directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
>came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
>Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
>besides, they told me I could have free beer during
>the tasting, so I accepted."
>
>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>************************************************* ****
>
>CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
>kick.
>
>Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
>Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this
>stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
>driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
>hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>************************************************* ****
>
>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
>jalapeno tang.
>
>Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
>be taken seriously.
>
>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
>I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
>I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
>Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
>they saw the look on my face.
>
>************************************************* ****
>
>CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>
>Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
>spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
>Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
>beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
>now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
>getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
>
>************************************************* ****
>
>CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
>Disappointing.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
>side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a
>chili.
>
>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
>tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
>burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
>standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
>woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear
>waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>************************************************* ****
>
>CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
>freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
>impressive.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
>tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
>statement.
>
>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
>my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
>farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
>The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
>her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
>tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
>from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
>to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
>************************************************* ****
>
>CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
>Good balance of spices and peppers.
>
>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
>onions, and garlic. Superb.
>
>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
>filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself
>when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
>chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
>my ass with a snow cone.
>
>************************************************* ****
>
>CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
>
>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
>on canned peppers.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
>threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
>**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #
>3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
>cursing
>uncontrollably.
>
>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
>the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
>in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
>rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
>lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
>they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
>breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
>any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
>through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>************************************************* ****
>
>CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
>chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
>existence.
>
>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
>chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
>it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell
>over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
>Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder
>how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
>
>Judge # 3 - No Report

[roverX]

Dang it...I was determined not to laugh but the whole wiping the butt with a snow cone got me. Good one Aaron.

[Burns]

Aaron - that was a great joke!