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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
thought you would all appreciate these thoughts - I got them from a British Motorbike site but they been around for some time - merry Christmas

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence it's course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say "Ouch...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

1/2" x 16"-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battles of the Bulge. More often dark than light, it's name is some-what misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone and rounds them off.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

and of course all of those corollary's to Sod's law - well known to all DIY'ers

SOD’S LAW, ALSO KNOWN AS MURPHY’S LAW
If anything can go wrong, it will.

O’TOOLE’S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY’S LAW
Murphy was an optimist.

THE FIRST COROLLARY TO SOD’S LAW
Anything that is to go wrong will do so at the worst possible moment.

THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW
As soon as you mention something, if it’s good, it goes away; if it’s bad, it happens.

NON-RECIPROCAL LAWS OF EXPECTATIONS
Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

HOWE’S LAW
Every man has a scheme which will not work.

ZYMURGY’S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can.

SKINNER’S CONSTANT
The quantity which must be multiplied by, divided by, added to or subtracted from the answer you get to give the
answer you should have got.

LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

JENNING’S COROLLARY
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES
The first 90% of the job takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90%.

FARBER’S RULE
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all…

And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2014, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (Not to imply that America is necessarily greater that any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wish-ee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms; This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Cheers
Barri
 

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I am saving this post. They all had me laughing because of how bluntly accurate they are, even your very precise disclaimer gave me a laugh.

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say this, but have a good New Years Barri.
Dane.
 
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